13 April 08
· The result of shame is distance and hiding from relationships.
· Shame based behaviour can be changed by the personal choice to change.
· John 21:21-27 - “Lord, what about this man? ….What is that to you, you follow me!
- Peter’s focus was on the other person.
- Jesus directed him to change his focus – become responsible for his own life, decision.
- Often in relationships our focus is upon other people and their faults, failures, irritations.
- We must choose to shift our focus: “You follow me”.
2. The Power of One:
a) Key facts about our design:
· You are made for relationship – no choice whether to participate or not, only how to participate.
· You are made with the capacity to choose – what will you choose? Help or hinder?
· You are made to take responsibility for yourself – thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions.
You decide how you think and react in relationship.
b) You are responsible for your choices:
· Romans 14:10-13 - “Each of us shall give account of himself before God”.
· Each of us is held responsible for ourselves – how we think, act, and behave.
· You can change your life by becoming responsible for your life’s choices.
· You can behave like an Adult – person capable of accepting responsibility, fully accepts personal responsibility.
· You can behave like a Child – person capable of accepting responsibility, but refuses to do so.
· 1 Corinthians 13:11 - “…when I became a man I put away childish things…”
· You can choose:
(1) Not to hide, be covered – choose to be honest.
(2) Become respectful of others and commit to connect.
· One person can change the cycle of shame and shaming.
· Are you that person?
3. The Shame Intimacy Cycle:
· Genesis 3:7-13 - “The Lord God called to Adam and said…”Where are you?”
(a) “Adam heard the voice of the Lord”….Adam and his wife hid themselves.
· The presence of God triggered feelings and thoughts – pressure.
· Adam made choices:
i) Avoid the relationship – hide.
ii) Refuse responsibility for his choices.
iii) Blamed Eve and God.
· Blame cycle: Pressure -> opt out -> blame, shame, defeat -> separation -> back to start.
· Intimacy cycle: Pressure -> opt in -> stay open, honest respectful -> address issues -> become bonded -> intimacy continues and relationship build.
(b) “Adam, where are you?’
· This is a relationship question to bring issues to the open.
· God was hurt by Adam’s action
· God made choices.
i) Value the relationship – connect
ii) Value the person – give opportunity to explain.
iii) Assigned responsibility - verse 14-19
iv) Continue to love – verse 21
· Ephesians 5:1,2 - “Be imitators of God…and walk in love as Christ also has loved us”.
· Under pressure you can choose how you respond.
· There is a moment of decision – a point where you choose the road to take.
4. Practical Keys to Changing patterns:
i) Take responsibility for own feelings, thoughts, expectations, assumptions, judging.
· Galatians 6:5 - “Each one shall bear his own load”, (responsibilities)
ii) Surrender to the Lord all expectations that people or things can bring you lasting fulfillment.
· Matthew 20:28 - “The Son of man came not to be saved but to serve and give His life”.
iii) Believe everything that happens can be changed with something true.
· Romans 8:28 - “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”.
iv) Define what you are responsible for.
· What are you fully responsible for?
· What do you have no responsibility for?
· Forgive other person (Matthew 6:12) - Pardon them and care for them.
· Seek forgiveness (Matthew 5:23) - Take responsibility and ask their forgiveness.
vi) Choose to serve – demonstrate the love and character of God.
· Romans 8:29 - “…He predestined us to be conformed to the image of His Son…”
5. The Example of Jesus:
· John 13:1-17
· Key issues: heart attitude and turning
· Jesus personal identity secure
· Chose to demonstrate the Love of God – serve
· Positioned Himself as a servant – not controlled by His own feelings and concerns
· Went in love to help them ‘face the dirt’ on their feet
· Most want to expose the dirt and shame of others
· Servant loves and washes the feet
· Peter’s response:
i) Tried to stop – verse 8
· Jesus response:
i) Necessity of receiving washing to maintain relationship
ii) Personal example for us