Unashamed: Changing Your Behaviour

13 April 08


1.      Introduction:

·   The result of shame is distance and hiding from relationships.

·   Shame based behaviour can be changed by the personal choice to change.

·   John 21:21-27  -  “Lord, what about this man? ….What is that to you, you follow me!

-    Peter’s focus was on the other person.

-    Jesus directed him to change his focus – become responsible for his own life, decision.

-    Often in relationships our focus is upon other people and their faults, failures, irritations.

-    We must choose to shift our focus: “You follow me”.


2.      The Power of One:

a)    Key facts about our design:

·   You are made for relationship – no choice whether to participate or not, only how to participate.

·   You are made with the capacity to choose – what will you choose?  Help or hinder?

·   You are made to take responsibility for yourself – thoughts, feelings, beliefs, actions.

You decide how you think and react in relationship.


b)    You are responsible for your choices:

·   Romans 14:10-13  -  “Each of us shall give account of himself before God”.

·   Each of us is held responsible for ourselves – how we think, act, and behave.

·   You can change your life by becoming responsible for your life’s choices.

·   You can behave like an Adult – person capable of accepting responsibility, fully accepts personal responsibility.

·   You can behave like a Child – person capable of accepting responsibility, but refuses to do so.

·   1 Corinthians 13:11  -  “…when I became a man I put away childish things…”

·   You can choose: 

(1)   Not to hide, be covered – choose to be honest.

(2)   Become respectful of others and commit to connect.

·   One person can change the cycle of shame and shaming.

·   Are you that person?


3.      The Shame Intimacy Cycle:

·   Genesis 3:7-13  -  “The Lord God called to Adam and said…”Where are you?”

(a)    “Adam heard the voice of the Lord”….Adam and his wife hid themselves.

·   The presence of God triggered feelings and thoughts – pressure.

·   Adam made choices:

i)        Avoid the relationship – hide.

ii)       Refuse responsibility for his choices.

iii)     Blamed Eve and God.

·   Blame cycle:  Pressure -> opt out -> blame, shame, defeat -> separation -> back to start.

·   Intimacy cycle: Pressure -> opt in -> stay open, honest respectful -> address issues   -> become bonded -> intimacy continues and relationship build.


(b)    “Adam, where are you?’

·   This is a relationship question to bring issues to the open.

·   God was hurt by Adam’s action

·   God made choices.

i)                    Value the relationship – connect

ii)                   Value the person – give opportunity to explain.

iii)                 Assigned responsibility - verse 14-19

iv)                Continue to love – verse 21

·   Ephesians 5:1,2  -  “Be imitators of God…and walk in love as Christ also has loved us”.

·   Under pressure you can choose how you respond.










·   There is a moment of decision – a point where you choose the road to take.


4.      Practical Keys to Changing patterns:

i)        Take responsibility for own feelings, thoughts, expectations, assumptions, judging.

·   Galatians 6:5  -  “Each one shall bear his own load”, (responsibilities)


ii)       Surrender to the Lord all expectations that people or things can bring you lasting fulfillment.

·   Matthew 20:28  -  “The Son of man came not to be saved but to serve and give His life”.


iii)     Believe everything that happens can be changed with something true.

·   Romans 8:28  -  “All things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose”.


iv)    Define what you are responsible for.

·   What are you fully responsible for?

·   What do you have no responsibility for?


v)     Forgiveness.

·   Forgive other person (Matthew 6:12)  -  Pardon them and care for them.

·   Seek forgiveness (Matthew 5:23)  -  Take responsibility and ask their forgiveness.


vi)    Choose to serve – demonstrate the love and character of God.

·   Romans 8:29  -  “…He predestined us to be conformed to the image of His Son…”


5.  The Example of Jesus:

·         John 13:1-17 

·         Key issues:  heart attitude and turning

·         Jesus personal identity secure

·         Chose to demonstrate the Love of God – serve

·         Positioned Himself as a servant – not controlled by His own feelings and concerns

·         Went in love to help them ‘face the dirt’ on their feet

·         Most want to expose the dirt and shame of others

·         Servant loves and washes the feet


·         Peter’s response:

i)        Tried to stop – verse 8

ii)       Overreacted


·         Jesus response:

i)        Necessity of receiving washing to maintain relationship

ii)       Personal example for us