1.    Introduction

·         Eph 5:23  - let everyone of you love wife as himself and wife, see that she reverence her husband.

·         Marriage = covenant relation – designed to reflect relationship of Christ and the Church.

·         When working as God intended – dynamic flow of 2 lives together – heaven or hell.

·         Very act of joining and flowing together surfaces hidden unresolved attitudes/walls.

·         Prov 4:23 “Out of heart flow issues of life”

-          Unresolved treasures – pain, resentment, reaction overflow and must be resolved.

-          Reconcile = change thoroughly.  Definition – bring into harmony so sound together in unity.

-          Most focus on the impossible – trying to change their spouse!

·         Key Problem Area – point of focus = bad habit, character flaw, personality trait.  Come to point of intolerance or alternate between:

i)      Demand change

ii)     Give up – what’s the use

Never solve problems by trying to make the spouse change – resentment, discord.


2.    Defilement that divides


·         Heb 12:14-15 “Follow peace, looking diligently less any man fall from grace of God, lest any root of bitterness springing up many be defiled.”

·         Follow (1377) To pursue, follow hard after

·         Peace (1875) To join, set at one again, oneness

·         Defile (3392) Contaminate, pollute

·         Trouble – to annoy, crowd in

Example – David and Michal

1 Sam 18:20,28     Michal loved David – deep affection and attraction for David

1 Sam 19:11-12    Michal had deep loyalty to David – even at risk of fathers anger

2 Sam 6:16            Time of revival, presence of God strong – season of fulfilment of promise

Michal unable to enter or participate or unite with her husband - defiled

i)      Distance: separated herself from David so remained distant and aloof

v16 “looked through window” – to lean out, gaze at spectacle, passively look.

ii)     Despised:

v16 “despised him in her heart” – to condemn, judge, look down upon, think to scorn.

·         Harboured inner feelings and sat in judgement of David.

Rom 14:10 “Why judge your brother or set at nought your brother, for we shall all stand …”

·         Judgement and criticism are rooted in pride and law, person did not measure up to our standards.




iii)    Defiled: polluted within by own attitudes and feelings

v20 “How glorious was the King of Israel today!”

·         Harboured anger and resentment in heart  - look and wordssharp, scorning.

·         Life in turmoil because of unresolved reactions.

a)    Father: 1 Sam 25:44 – Saul had given daughter to Phalti – forced into adultery.

b)    Husband: Failed to rescue her – unmet expectations.

·         Anger is a powerful destructive emotion – crushes, damages, releases demons.

·         Anger à resentment and bitterness – must address what fuels it – unmet expectations.



a)    Desire for fulfilment through external things – people, circumstances.

b)    Unrealistic expectations – perfect world.

c)    Unfulfilled dreams, hopes – disappointments.

d)    Inability to meet expectations of others – struggling for approval


·         Michal       - angry at father, angry at David, felt helplessoverflowed in reaction

                        - blind to blessing of God

                        - defiled

iv)   Demand:

·         Behind the look and scorning words was a demand for David to change!

·         2 methods changing people – seen in way God has dealt with people.

a)    OT – Law: “Thou shalt”

·         Law = requirements or demand to live by à reward if obey, consequences if don’t.

·         Law à spouse distances self and demands change à will reward if change occurs.

·         Result: spouse sets self up as judge and demands/withholds.

·         2 consequences:

- person forced to change feels rejected, lacking, pressured to perform, resentful.

            - marriage is under a curseGat 3:10 under works of law - curse

·         unhealthy patterns, denial/victim/control

b)    NT – Grace

·         Grace = God accepts, loves, forgives and becomes one in spirit with those willing to trust.

·         God exposed His heart and opened Himself for personal relationship even at risk.

·         Ro 2:4 “The goodness of God leads you to repentance”

·         Grace:  Accept spouse as they are.  Ro 15:7 Receive one another as Christ.

·         When try to change spouse, therefore a demand, pressure to use own strength, will power.

·         When 2 people become one there is an interflow of life supernaturally.




NoteException – God does not join Himself to every person

-          when person won’t respond to grace then law is needed.

-          1Tim 1:9  Law is for lawless

-          Ro 3:20  By law = knowledge of Son

-          some situations require demand for change or consequences follow


2 Sam 6:23  Therefore Michal the daughter of Saul was barrendesolate


3.    Removing the roots that defile


·         Trying to change spouse:

-          is sign heart attitude not right

-          creates demands and pressures within relationships

-          leaves you resentful and focused on negatives

i)      Prayer:  Draw near to God for grace for personal change

Heb 4:16 “Come boldly … grace to help in time of need”

cf - Michal – husband “Phaltiel” = God is my deliverer

ii)     Humble Self:

Ja 4:6  “God resists the proud but gives grace to the humble

Grace = power to live a godly life

·         Must deal with own heart attitudeshard?, uncaring?, judgemental?, fearful?

·         Are there unresolved issues? – bitter judgements?, inner vows?

·         Repentance of own ungodly reactions and hidden walls.

·         Renounce destructive reactions – silence!, bitter judgements.

iii)    Accept spouse as they are:

·         Face realities and let go unrealistic expectations

·         Release blessing

iv)   Commit self to unity:  Activate law of bonding

·         Do things together

·         Communicate honestly – share personal feelings, struggles, without blame